Success

To laugh often and much;

To win the respect of intelligent people

and the affection of children;

To earn the appreciation of honest critics

and endure the betrayal of false friends;

To appreciate beauty,

to find the best in others;

To leave the world a bit better,

whether by a healthy child,

a garden patch

or a redeemed social condition;

To know even one life has breathed easier

because you have lived.

This is to have succeeded.

—Ralph Waldo Emerson

For years, I wondered what “success” really meant. In the early 1970s, I found took a job as a bookkeeper. Interestingly, it was in the cemetery and funeral industry. I happen to believe that everything has a purpose. This position certainly did for me. My sixteen year-old brother had just died of a brain tumor and my husband had joined  the service and married another woman while he was still married to me! I was devastated with loss. I threw myself into work and quickly moved up the ladder, eventually ending up as a sales consultant and family counselor. That was the beginning of my education in death. Through the years, success found me as I worked hard and dedicated myself to others at a difficult time in their lives. I read Elizabeth Kübler Ross and Bernie Siegel. I studied the Bible frantically, trying to find answers for people in grief. I was careful to keep in close touch with those dying and their families at the time of death, asking questions that would allow them to sort out their lives. What in your life makes you feel proud? What do you regret? Time after time, people who had nothing to lose by sharing, admitted that they had regret. They were sorry that they hadn’t started their own business. They were sorry that they hadn’t taken that trip or told someone special that they loved them. They were sorry that they hadn’t forgiven or asked for forgiveness.

These experiences changed me. Each family who eyes to what lies within each of us. They taught me the most valuable lessons of life. We are responsible for what we leave behind when we die. We are also responsible for what we fail to leave behind. Success to me is daring to be real, whether it means following our own drummer or confronting the fears within. Success to me requires courage and compassion. Courage is necessary for embracing that come our way. Compassion is necessary for accepting others and allowing them to accept us. We must commit to live in the fullness of purpose within us, whatever that may be. This honors our lives, the lives of others, and our Creator. This is success; this is abundance.

Do you remember the balls “Shape O Toys” that Tupperware made for children? The hollow balls had holes in different shapes all around. The ball came with blocks in each of those shapes. Children would learn by trying to put a block into a hole in the ball.

Many of us live by trying to squeeze ourselves into the molds designed by the expectations of others. Unless we clearly understand who we are, what we value, and where we are going, we spend days of our lives trying to fit into the world’s standards. We allow others to decide what we like, how we dress, what we wear, and what we believe. We settle for being cool rather than real. After all, cool is acceptable, real may not be.”

I remember that old television game show called To Tell the Truth. Contestants would work to convince the players that they were someone else. In the end, the host would ask, for example, “Will the real Cyndi Rice please stand up!” That is what our journey is really all about—identifying the real person we are and standing up. Many of us, particularly women, spend our lives trying to be all things to all people. I’ve hosted a number of women’s groups throughout the years. My objective has been to gather professional women to help each other by freely sharing their skills, gifts, experience, and knowledge. A survey of the members found that the number one quality missing in their lives was “balance”. Each struggled to be the best parent, the best housekeeper, the best wife, the best professional, and the best friend. None of them ever achieved any acceptable level of success in finding balance. Obsessed with becoming all things to all people, their struggle for balance was never achieved. In the surveys, no one ever voiced a desire to be the best “me” they could be.

It isn’t necessary, or possible, to be all things to all people. We aren’t here to please our parents, our children, our employers, or our friends. We are here to realize, honor, and give the amazing individuals we are to others. When we do begin to honor what is inside of us dying to get out, we become passionate about being us! We are meant to be exceptional at being us; that alone is a job big enough for a lifetime. The Bible talks about the body of Christ as many members with one head. If I am created to be a liver, I cannot be an ankle, no matter how hard I try. There is a reason for this—each of us was created to be awesome at something, not an expert at everything. We are meant to be outstanding in being authentic. When I am authentic, and you are, and others are, the complete body begins to form and the many parts make a beautiful whole that works perfectly together.

I just saw the movie, Black Swan. Excited to see it because I love ballet, I came away with much more than the beauty of dance. We cannot be who we aren’t unless who we are dies in the process. We don’t have problems with other people, we have problems with ourselves. We cannot please others until we are at peace with ourselves.

The more I think about it, the more decided I am that balance is really unachievable and, just maybe, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. My most productive, satisfying, and exciting times have been times when I am least balanced. Balanced is actually pretty darn boring if you ask me! When I am passionate and excited about anything, I throw myself into it. I live it, breathe it, and embrace it with all I am. This passion has provided me with excellence in areas of my life.

As I look to my heroes, I find that none of them had balance. They were driven and consumed with whatever seed was being birthed within them. Think about the world’s heroes. I have many personal heroes in my life; there are many who have touched my life deeply. These are people I look up to for their passion and success. I don’t look up to any of them for balance!

When we struggle to find balance, we are frustrated, and when we fail, we are discouraged. We are setting out to accomplish the UN-accomplishable. This consumes some of us until we lose sight of what is really important. Michelangelo would not have given us such beauty if his focus had been balance.

Perhaps balance should come about as a result of a lifetime of effectiveness rather than a life of balance. Isn’t effectiveness what we really crave? There are periods when we are better parents than professionals, periods when we are better lovers than housekeepers, periods when we reap, and periods when we sow. “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to sow; a time to reap” (from Ecclesiastes 3, written by King Solomon, a very wise man).

Might this “pie in the sky” goal of balance be the enemy of passion? When we focus on the things that naturally keep our attention, other things naturally take a back seat—we are out of balance. While enveloped

in the process of accomplishment, when living in the truth to that desire and purpose within us, life is good. As each dream is fulfilled, another passion is ignited and we begin to round out into the perfect specimen of who we were created to be. I don’t mean to communicate that we should throw our responsibilities

out the door for passion. Not at all. I do mean that we should make our life choices carefully in line with that truth within us so we don’t end up living someone elses life or a life that ends in regret. We cannot be happy when we are not being true to ourselves. Whether we know it or not, this unhappiness is expressed to others and robs our relationships.

I’ve been accused of being impractical. Many have not had the opportunity to live as closely to death as I have. This intimacy with death has given me an incredible passion for life and its one-time appointment. Impractical to me is taking the only opportunity we have at life and prostituting it for anything but the truth. Is it practical to work your entire life at a job you hate when you may never have another chance to live the life you love? It makes my heart ache to see people out there every day trying to please others, working only for money, giving no thought for the value of their days, as if they could get another chance to live authentically.

What example do we send to our children when we settle for mediocrity? What messages do we convey when we live miserably, never satisfied, always trying to keep up with society, pleasing others at the expense of our one and only opportunity to live fully in truth to who we are? The real truth is that when we think we are living for others, we are not really doing that at all. The vitality that is missing from our lives, as well as the  resentment we harbor, really robs them of what they need from us.

Maybe what we really crave is reconciliation in the big picture. When the sun goes down on my life, I want to know that I was true to myself, my loved ones, and the world I lived in. I want to look back  and know that I invested all I had, that I lived with enthusiasm, and that I made a difference. We will be reconciled to our lives by honoring the gifts within us. We do this by using our gifts effectively to nurture those we are given to love, while being true to that which we believe.

 

Excerpt from “Roadmap to Success” a book co-authored with Deepak Chopra and Dr. Ken Blanchard

No man is fit to command another that cannot command himself. ~William Penn

No man is fit to command another that cannot command himself.
~William Penn

A story about personal responsibility

Joan found herself in a dilemma of heart.  Her son, Mark, an adult, alcoholic was living with her.  He had made a major turnaround in the past 45 days, had attended AA every night, and was rapidly becoming again the man and son everyone loved.   Mark’s father committed suicide while he was a teenager.  Soon after, he found a youth leader at church that served as his male role model.  The youth leader was found to be a child molester and was guilty of abusing many of the young men at the church.  Marks father and both grandparents were alcoholics that never recovered from their disease and led disastrous lives. Over the years Joan, too had challenges with addiction.  With counseling and education, she had learned to live a healthy and successful life.   She was  well aware of the negative consequences of co-dependence and enabling.

Joan watched over the years as her son dealt with the heartache and disappointment of his circumstances and as alcohol and addiction consumed his health, life and relationships – most importantly – his relationships with his daughters.  .

Mark’s two teenage girls had experienced all the pain and disappointment that comes with having a parent that was unavailable and sick.  Although they had both tried to support their dad, they were both sick and tired of his empty promises and lack of responsibility.  The oldest had determined that she would not spend time with him until he successfully prioritized his life and got sober.

Both Joan and her husband respected and appreciated their granddaughter’s decisions even though the decisions made it difficult to continue having the girls come for regular overnight visits.  The decision to offer their home to Mark in order to help him get a handle on his recovery was a difficult decision.  Joan and her husband prayed that the decision would help their son without enabling him and would not interrupt the close relationship they had with their granddaughters.  After all, the decision to help Mark was also a decision to help the girls have their father back.

Mark had been in love with a beautiful wealthy woman who had three small children.  She was diagnosed with cancer and immediately moved to New York so that she could obtain the best care available.  Mark made regular trips to and from NY in order to assist with the young children and help his friend.  She was a great influence on Marks life.  After two years of intense struggle to overcome the cancer, the woman died.  During the same week, Mark found out that his business bank account had been frozen for past child support although since sobering up he had been making regular payments.

No counseling in the world could have prevented Joan from worrying that Mark might relapse based on his friends’ death, the business trouble and the regular challenges of trying to stay sober in a world of alcohol and drugs.

Joan was thankful and awed as she watched her son handle each trial responsibly and soberly.

After the long week, Joan’s granddaughters were planning to get together for dinner, which normally would have been at Joan’s home.  The girls suggested that everyone meet at a halfway point and spend Sunday together.  Although Joan knew that the suggestion had been made so that her oldest granddaughter would not have to see her father, she worried about hurting her son even more after the difficult week.  She respected her granddaughter and hoped that Mark would not ask if the girls were going to be able to meet for Sunday dinner.

When Mark did ask, Joan avoided the question.  It hurt her heart to add to her son’s pain.  She called her granddaughter, hoping that she would not have a problem with her dad joining them.  When the granddaughter clarified her desire to put some time between her and her father, Joan tried to manipulate the situation in order to coax her granddaughter to give in.  Not only did Joan want her son to have the support of his family, but also she wanted her granddaughters to see for themselves the positive changes in their dad.

“Can you keep a secret?” Joan asked her granddaughter.  Yes, she said.  Your dad’s girlfriend died yesterday.  That is why I am asking you to consider letting him come with us.

Joan immediately knew she was wrong to have used this manipulation.  Mark had even asked her to let him talk to the girls about his friends’ death to which she agreed.

Joan quickly accepted her granddaughters’ decision to remain firm.  She apologized for asking her to reconsider and tried to explain her uneasiness

When Mark asked Joan again if the girls were available, Joan told him the truth.  His daughter was not ready to see him.  Mark immediately understood.  No problem, he said.  I’ll go fishing.  Joan told him how fearful she had been that this would have really upset him.  Mark said that he didn’t blame his daughter one bit.  Mark said that he and his daughter understood each other and would work it out themselves.   Joan was so proud of Marks maturity.  It had been a long time since she had seen her son.

Later that day the girls’ mother contacted Mark.  She was irate that Joan contacted her daughter even when Joan knew how she felt.  She assumed that Mark was in on the call and let him have it.

End result?

• Mark handled everything honestly and maturely.  Our choices and the consequences of our choices are solely our responsibility.  He passed every test that came his way and then some.

• Joan realized how she had manipulated and involved herself into something that was none of her business.  She had to admit that she was actually trying to protect herself from pain as much as trying to protect those she loved.  When we focus on being honest with ourselves and allow others to manage their own challenges – everyone wins.

• Mark’s daughter stayed true to her convictions.  She forgave her grandmother.  Had she seen the way her father responded to the situation, she would have earned some new found respect for him.

Lessons Learned:

If each of us concentrate on our own responsibilities and let others take care of theirs, we grow and allow others to grow as we move toward truth and understanding.

You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of.
~Jim Rohn

The willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life is the source from which self-respect springs.
~Joan Didion